April 29, 2004
I think this new “guest blogger” is going to be what gets my site it’s fifteen minutes of fame. Say hello to Luke, everybody.—Matt
Hello everyone, Luke Nelson here (of Matt Reviews His Friends fame). I couldn’t help but notice the serious slant iammattthomas.com has take on over the past few weeks. Now I am not condemning, serious times call for serious blogs, but I couldn’t help but remember the happy and carefree times of iammattthomas.com’s past. So, I thought I would throw in a little information (in a story with lots of run on sentences, misplaced commas, and common grammatical errors a 3rd grader would laugh at) on my recent colonoscopy to bring back a little of the lighthearted flavor.
Flavor is an interesting tie-in to my whole colonoscopy experience, the flavor of the four liters of laxative solution I had to drink, to be specific. The provided flavor packet said “orange,” but it should have said, “will make solution taste like the sweat of someone who drank a lot of orange Gatorade.” Actually, I can’t say that this stuff was that foul tasting, it was thicker than water and had a slightly salty/slightly orange flavor. What made it bad was that I had to drink four liters of this stuff, a 8oz glass every ten minutes to be exact.
It said on the bottle that it should kick in by the one hour mark, and that I should then experience “profuse diarrhea†for a good three hours. This lured me into a false sense of security, by making it seem so fun and easy in the explanation. It ended up taking around two hours for the stuff to start clearing my bowels; I attribute this to my bowels of steel. If you haven’t pictured this already then let me help you, before this stuff kicks in I have about 2.8 liters of this stuff in my stomach and I haven’t started expelling yet. Well, around the two hour mark the party got started.
It began with what felt like an innocent fart making its way to freedom, but right at the release point I noticed something was dead wrong. What ensued was a mad dash to the toilet during which, I will tell the whole truth for the sake of literature, there was some escapage before I got to my destination. This dash was to set the tone for the next three hours. The back half of my apartment was a stage for a violent assault upon the senses of any one who dared to venture in (namely my wife Lucy who heroically brought me the remainder of my laxative solution while my bowels held me hostage). I won’t play the part of a tough guy and say it wasn’t that bad, because it was. It is an experience I hope I never have to repeat. My legs fell asleep from sitting on the toilet for that long, and my ass was raw, and I don’t think I have to explain to anyone how unpleasant diarrhea is.
After I started to feel like I was done, I was careful by sitting on the toilet for a safety period. I decided it was all clear and decided to take a shower after wiping was shown to be too much of a undertaking. Well, I was not even close to finished. I had to jump from the shower to the toilet twice, which almost proved fatal as anyone who has tried to quickly sit down on a toilet seat while dripping wet could have predicted. It didn’t end there either folks; I wish it did. I had to make a run from my bed to the toilet at least four times during that sleepless night.
The actual colonoscopy won’t make much of a story since I do not remember any of it. I will include some illustrations of the procedure though just to give you an idea of what is going on. To summarize they shove a camera on the end of a 7ft flexible cable up your anus. As I said, I was not awake so I can’t comment on how it was. I know this is a bit disappointing, seeing as how it should be the climax of the story, but I am a terrible writer and even worse with grammar so you will just have to deal with the disappointment. The day after was pretty much boring, apart from a lot of farting, and I mean a lot. Oh, I also pooped slime the first time I dropped a deuce after the procedure. That was interesting; I was pooping slime and forcefully farting at the same time, needless to say I could have made one heck of a Pollack.
You will all be happy to know that my internal piping is clean as a whistle, with the small exception of some pre-hemorrhoidal tissue that will give me trouble down the road I am sure. This was a life altering experience for me, one that I never dared dream I would have the chance to fulfill. I learned two very important truths during this whole thing:
- Your legs will fall asleep if you sit on the toilet for three hours.
- My wife, Lucy, will stop at nothing to bring me more laxative solution.
So, if you are in the Westerly, RI area and looking for a good time, stop in and visit Dr. Connors of G.I. Specialists, tell her Luke sent you.
April 26, 2004
I miss you folks. Except the dog. Sorry, Jon.
April 15, 2004
My family is Catholic. Despite a few aunts and uncles that don’t go to church anymore, all of us, especially the grandchildren, are expected to be joyfully practicing Catholics as a matter of course. I’m sure all of us have questioned or wondered about our faith at various points in our lives, but probably none so differently as my brother and me today.
I’m 23. I often say I’m a “recovering Catholic.” I still love the mass and many of our Catholic traditions. What I don’t like, though, is the hierarchy of the Church. I don’t like it when bishops and priests take political stances. I am a big fan of the separation of church and state, and it bothers me that you can be considered a bad Catholic for not accepting, without questioning, Church teaching on things such as abortion, gay rights, and politics. I don’t think it’s unpatriotic to question my government and work for the reform of laws I perceive to be unjust. In much the same way, I think that I should be able to question the Church’s foray into politics, their handling of the sex-abuse scandals, or whatever, without being deemed a bad Catholic.
As a result of my conflicted feelings about the faith, I am not as active in it, nor as enthusiastic about it, as I was as a child.
My brother John, on the other hand, is deep in the most intense period in a young Catholic’s life. He is preparing for Confirmation, which is the Catholic equivalent of a bar mitzvah without the scrolls and chanting. It is the point in a young person’s life at which they are expected to reaffirm the decision their parents made for them at baptism. The young person chooses a sponsor—someone that should serve as a good example of a Catholic adult. My brother has chosen me.
I accepted his invitation after careful consideration. After all, I still am Catholic. I still love the faith and see value in it. I still believe in God and many of the tenants of the faith. Being pro-choice or pro-civil unions doesn’t make me a bad Catholic, does it?
It’s hard to give my brother my opinion about these things. My mother, not only being, well, our mother, but also the teacher of the Confirmation class at their church, is teaching John the party line. I’m trying to share my honest thoughts without contradicting her. And I’m trying to do this without making him want to give up on the whole thing altogether. After all, while he’s ostensibly making this decision for himself, there is just a tiny bit of pressure from my family.
So the situation is making me do something I hate—debate religion with myself. The old habits that I learned in religious education are coming back to haunt me. “Matt, don’t you think your new opinions just seem ok because you’re justifying them?” Well, no. But I can’t help but question myself.
When no one was counting on me, I was a lot more sure about what I believed. While my opinions haven’t changed, how comfortable I am with them sure has.
April 13, 2004
MSN thinks I’m the #1 Matt Thomas in the world. Yahoo thinks I’m the second. AltaVista gives me the bronze. Google, however, still things I’m #225. Fish don’t fry in the kitchen; beans don’t burn on the grill.
Update: Thanks to…well, probably this post, I’m now #1 at MSN, Yahoo, AND Altavista. I’ve completely dropped from Google.
Update 2: Well, it’s happened. I’m now the #1 Matt Thomas on every major search engine. I think this is where the fame and fortune starts.
April 1, 2004
Despite the best efforts of some amazing folks, the Georgia House today passed a bill that will codify discrimination into the Georgia Constitution, should the people of Georgia vote for it this November.
To say that I’m disappointed would be an understatement. Unfortunately after talking to my representative, Burke Day, I understood the motivating force behind this. It’s politics, no surprise. The house is terrified of the possibility that, should they not pass this sad legislation, the homophobes whose votes they rely on might not re-elect them come this fall. So, it was extra disheartening for me for Representative Day, a fellow Tybeean, to view something so serious with such a flippant, self-serving attitude.
“For those of you who say it is not about me,” she said, “it is about me and thousands of others just like me and about my family and their families.”
— Rep. Karla Drenner, Georgia’s only openly-gay lawmaker
So, Georgians, it’s up to us. I’m talking to you, Tybee friends. If you’re not registered to vote in Georgia, do it now. And in November, you’ll have a chance to keep this hateful amendment from becoming part of our Constitution. This isn’t just a “gay thing.” Whites had an important role in the civil rights movement of the 1960’s. There’s no reason straight people shouldn’t be outraged by this bill and committed to defeating it. Please, help show our representatives in Atlanta just how wrong they are.
P.S. I received a reply from Representative Day later tonight. It was mostly self-affirming grandiosity about his respect for his office and his humility. He did say “I bear no hatred in my heart to the gay community. I’ve enjoyed the honor of having gay voting support in the conservative district I try to represent.” So apparently, it’s nothing personal.
April 1, 2004
Law makes America first nation to offer marriage to the unborn.
Correction appended
WASHINGTON—President Bush yesterday signed legislation paving the way for federal recognition of marriages formed between fetuses.
In a small signing ceremony in the East Room, Bush signed the new law, which is the latest in a series of new laws aimed at securing expanded rights for unborn children. According to President Bush, “this law is necessary because it further affirms our nation’s support for the rights of the unborn, while emphasizing the importance of saving sexual relations for its rightful place, from within the confines of a traditional, heterosexual marriage.”
Bush signed a related law on Tuesday making it a separate offense to harm an unborn child while committing a violent crime against a pregnant woman.
Unlike that legislation, however, the Fostering Unborn Children’s Civil Rights (FUCCR) Act signed today was met with little resistance from lawmakers on either side of the aisle. The measure received final approval March 31, when the Senate passed it 69-30. The House approved it only two weeks earlier, 285-123.
Republican Senator from Pennsylvania Rick Santorum said, “This is legislation that enjoyed broad bipartisan support. It has the strong support of the American people. It will do much to prevent the spread of man-on-man, man-on-dog, and other sorts of unlawful copulation that have become prevalent in modern society.”
Standing behind Bush as he spoke were Jeremy and Ellen Adams and Ron and Sheila Roberts, both of Louisville, Kentucky, as well as several members of Congress. The Adams’ unborn daughter Kate and the Roberts’ soon-to-be first son Ronald Jr. are the first fetuses to have marriage licenses applied for on their behalf. Their parents have planned a small ceremony in Louisville for next week.
“I am very proud of our president for taking a strong stand on this issue,” said Ellen Adams, the mother of the fetal-bride-to-be. “It is so important that our nation recognize the basic civil liberties that are bestowed upon us from the moment of conception.”
Despite the defeat of a last-minute amendment by Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) that would have extended marriage rights to homosexual fetuses, the bill found significant support by Democrats in both chambers.
“While it is disappointing that the Republicans’ accommodation to conservative Christians did not allow us to extend marriage rights as far as we had hoped, this bill is still an important first step toward that goal,” said House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi.
Under the new law, expectant parents will be allowed to apply for marriage licenses in their name of their fetus, as well as to speak for their fetus during the wedding ceremony. The law, however, contains no provision for prenatal divorce, an issue likely to come under increased scrutiny due to a lawsuit planned by the American Civil Liberties Union.
“We just want to be sure all the necessary legal protections are in place,” said Elizabeth Ott, an ACLU spokesperson. “We support this measure as much as the next person, but there must be a system in place to protect fetuses in abusive and destructive relationships.”
Rep. Dennis Kucinich (D-OH), who unsuccessfully tried to amend the bill during House debate to include such a provision, wrote Bush on Friday asking him to make clear as he signed it that the divorce issue should be addressed in the near-future, but Bush made no such statement.
Correction The April 1 news item regarding prenatal marriage contained several errors, including the headline, subheadline, and all 514 words of body text.
