Deal
November 12, 2006
Although I describe myself as an agnostic, I can’t help but search for order in life. Maybe it’s illogical to feel ambivilant about about a higher power while at the same time deeming some things as “just not meant to be.” More often than not, though, that’s how I operate.
While in Biloxi last weekend, I developed an itch for playing blackjack. I didn’t know the rules of the game and I’m not even particularly good at counting, but nonetheless I managed to break even and even wind up ahead at a few points during the night. No matter what I did, though, I never saw beyond just how absolutely random your fortunes are in the game. There are skills that can be learned, but none of them will ever increase your chances beyond 50/50.
A few months ago, I began a casual search of houses for sale in Mobile. I discovered a few neighborhoods by chance and developed an affinity for them, as I explored more and more over the course of a few weeks. I met with a realtor, went to a few open houses, and found a fantastic old house that fit both my budget and my tastes. In the end, though I couldn’t get serious about buying a house because my self-employed status and lack of an established job history precluded me from getting the financing in order. I took it as a sign that the time just wasn’t right.
I’ve been having car trouble for a while, to the extent that I started shopping for another car a few months ago. I found a few cars I liked, but I could never find exactly the one I wanted. I took it as a sign. I found another car, and even put an order in with the dealership for it. When I called to check a few weeks later, they’d lost my information. I took it as a sign, and when they figured out which way was up, I decided to cancel the order anyway. After all, it was a sign.
I finally found another car that I was crazy about, and went to the dealership today to try to make the jump. I ended up having a really bad experience with the woman handling the transaction, and decided to walk away. I felt like it was a sign. On the way home, we decided to talk the scenic route through. I was surprised to see that the house I’d liked so much was still on the market. When I got home I looked it up, and the price had been reduced drastically from the first time I toured it. The price is even sweeter, I’ve got the job I need for financing, and I’d just walked away from buying a new car earlier in the day. How could these things not be signs?
But the agnostic in me taps me on the shoulder. I think about blackjack and remember that no matter how well you think you’re doing, your chances are never better than 50/50. Could it be the right house for me? Sure. But there’s an equal chance it’s not.
Everyone wants to believe that things happen for a reason. Usually we think that when we can’t comprehend why things aren’t going our way. But really, do they? I can’t justify believing in hope without tying it to something supernatural. And I don’t know how to do that without being a hypocrite. Maybe that’s the draw of religion. Some want order in the world, and it certainly is easier to ascribe your fortunes and follies to a higher power. I’d like to find that order in the world, but if it only comes in a package deal with believing in God, I guess for now I’ll have to pass on that, too.