Placebovril
July 11, 2004
Don’t you love those Enzyte commercials? The somewhat-clever, extremely upbeat commercials about everyone’s favorite medical problem—erectile dysfunction? The company that markets Enzyte calls it a “nutraceutical;” which is a really beautiful way of saying “the crap you buy at GNC but with better marketing.” Hey, I’ll admit that even I thought that Enzyte was an actual drug the first few times I saw the ad.
But lately, we’re getting blitzed by ads from this company. The graphic designer in me noticed the common graphic at the bottom of every ad, a colored band with the name of the “nutraceutical” and a phone number to call. Then I saw more, and more, and more, and finally I looked up the company’s web site.
Berkeley Nutraceuticals markets an impressive line of “nutraceuticals.” There’s Altovis, which fights fatigue. Avlimil (with its logo that recalls a textbook illustration of the women’s reproductive system) which enhances the female sexual experience. Enzyte (which we all know and love) for natural male enhancement; Ogöplex—don’t forget the ümläüt!—which increases the number of “ropes” in your orgasm (I have no idea, don’t ask me); Rovicid, which promises better heart health. Dromias, which puts you to sleep; Pinadol, which fights stress; and—are you sitting down?—Rogisen, which gives you night vision.
Part of me wants to believe that these people are some of the most innovative and successful minds in the pharmaceutical industry. And then I remember that they’re in the “nutraceutical” industry, a magical place where FDA guidelines don’t apply and you don’t have to list your litany of side-effects along with your cute music and (admittedly quite good) graphic design. Frankly, I have no idea whether any of the stuff works at all. But since a quick Google search reveals that there may be some hard legal times ahead, so it might be a good idea to go get that 30-day free trial of night-vision-giving orgasm-enhancing penis-enlarging stress-relieving heart-strengthening sleep-inducing miracle pills before it’s too late.
